Friday night at the movies

And no, he didn’t come. He dropped me off. He is so low that you can feel the negative energy coming off him, it’s a physical sensation.

What the hell do you do with a husband who is having suicidal thoughts? He rang the out of hours people who said to speak to his CBT therapist on Monday. But he’ll have to go to GP, who’ll give him pills, refer him to the local mental health team who’ll want to give him more pills and see him in a month.

And so far nothing has helped, apart from him not drinking.

I really don’t know what will help. I worry because what happens if nothing does help? He can’t live like this. I think suicide is a morally reprehensible thing but I can see that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life like this.

The journalist and author Sally Brampton died a few weeks ago, took her own life, she’d been depressed for years and years, and wrote the book Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression. The quote from her that sticks out is this one: ‘Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive.’

I’m not the one with depression, but this quote seems to sum it up. It makes me so sad. I can’t help my husband, I can’t stop him feeling like he wants to die and that is so painful, for me yes of course. But to think that even thoughts of leaving behind his kids and the shitstorm his death would create – not even that can help. That’s how bad he feels. And so although I can’t feel his anguish, I can understand how bad things must be for him to even think about leaving his beloved children.

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Freedom!

A child-free house. A night out. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, you guessed it. DH is quiet, grumpy, and naturally doesn’t want to go out. I’m keeping quiet, being pleasant. Which is hard because I want to shout about how bloody unfair and annoying it is that instead of enjoying having time on our own, we’re not. I’m doing my thing (reading, cleaning) and he’s doing his (watching TV).

We just do not get any quality time at all because if the kids are away, he seems to be in a bad mood/depressed/whatever.

All those four-day weeks he worked, how many times did we go out together and do something? Twice, in about eight months.

He just will not, or cannot, make the effort for us. Not for me, for us, not when it comes to us doing something like go out.

Holiday blues

No, I haven’t got the holiday blues because I’ve just come back from an amazing holiday.

I’ve got them because it’s half-term. DH is off, and already he’s pissy (it’s Monday). Does not bode well for the rest of the week.

He doesn’t want to go for a walk. He doesn’t want to stay at home. He doesn’t want to go to the park.

He’s getting annoyed about everything and that’s just exhausting to be around.

This is what I hate about him having time off. When he’s low, we have to put up with him for a whole day/week/fortnight. There is no escape!

Put it this way – I’ve chosen to go clothes shopping with my daughter rather than stay around DH.

We’ve just booked our summer holiday. Lovely, yes. But actually holidays for us have not always been joyful family experiences and we’re bloody stuck with each other for two weeks….

Seasons in the sun

You know the one – ‘We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun’?

Well, if  you swapped ‘joy’ for ‘grump’ you’d be closer.

A good-ish few days. Even DH said this morning ‘Why can’t I be like this all the time?’ Which alerted me to the fact that he was very cheery. Maybe too cheery. Not manic. Just, cheery, which is not normal.

And indeed, when I got back this evening, the mood had shifted. Maybe it’s because he’s got his appointment with the new therapist tomorrow. Who bloody knows.

Purple rain

Not particularly pertinent but a nod to Prince, who died last week. As did Victoria Wood. 2016 is proving to be the year not to be famous. Lots of people dying far too young…

Of course lots of not-famous people die too young too. But you can’t help feel sad when it’s people you’ve laughed with (on the TV), or seen in concert etc.

Meanwhile, back home, the low shows no signs of abating. That also applies meteorologically too, it’s flipping freezing and it even snowed yesterday. Skies are all purple. April showers are definitely a thing.

And it’s pretty chilly in the house as we’re well in to a second week of sustained depression with DH. It wears you down it does. All of us. I’m starting to think he should be on anti-depressants again but I know that is not likely to happen. He’s also had a migraine this week, which often happens at the end of a low, but the headache is malingering on.

Supposed to be going out on Saturday – chances of that happening? Low to below low.

April showers

Actually, it’s glorious today, clear blue skies but in the house, the skies have been darkening since Sunday. Various reasons but not helped by a call from DH’s therapist yesterday who said he’d had to pass his case on to a more experienced therapist, due to the complexity of DH’s situation.

The fact that DH filled in forms and went to assessments prior to being allocated a therapist should really mean that he was given the right person (not a newish trainee type) to start with.

But no, and DH is frustrated as he a) liked the therapist and b) is very put out at the thought of having to start the process again.

Being him, he’s worrying about whether he likes the new one, he doesn’t want to sit through another assessment etc. In his words ‘it’s another thing I don’t want to think about’.

One day, maybe, he’ll view therapy as a way of helping him, not as something to be annoyed about.