DH is not great, not sure if the Citalopram is just taking ages to kick in or if he’s feeling side effects but he’s been in bed most of the weekend. He did however make it to a friend’s 40th last night. Yes. It’s true.
What’s also true is that I would have enjoyed myself more without him. The irony isn’t lost on me. But he was so clearly almost in physical pain that it took all the joy out for both of us. I’m at the stage of not really engaging with him as it’s pointless.
He’s due at docs on Tuesday. I really hope things get better as we’re going away in two weeks. I really really really don’t want to go if he’s like he is now. He’s also off work this week and I can’t say that’s filling me with delight either.
It can’t be right that I feel like this about spending time with my own husband. And he is not getting much out of being with us right now either.
So, I’m married to my husband, of course. And I think as a wife I’ve been pretty good. Kids are fed, house is not a bombsite, dog is walked, clothes are washed. The basics are covered. Add to that the kids are well-loved and cared for, meals are relatively wholesome and delicious (IMO).
But I do wonder how good a friend I am to DH. This blog currently doing the rounds on FB as part of the Time to Change campaign and it’s about how your friends deal with your mental illness. DH is lucky, his friends have stuck by while DH has been, frankly, a shit friend. Cancelling plans, not turning up to stuff, not replying to texts. And yet people haven’t given up. Maybe they don’t text him or ring him as much any more but that’s probably as much down to our lives with kids and jobs etc.
However, how good have I been? I’ve been relatively patient but there have been many times that I have stuck around because, well, because of the kids and my desire to keep our little family intact. In spite of what DH’s depression is doing to me and to us as a couple.
Yes, it’s been down to loyalty but there’s an element of laziness, of unwillingness to face the thought of a break up and split up the family.
Have I listened enough? Probably not, even though DH doesn’t really talk about how he feels. There are times when I wonder how much I even care how he feels because of the impact on me and the kids.
I am still here though. And I think that has to be enough for now.
Not much to say….DH is now back on Citalopram (sp), we’re in the (hopefully temporary) nasty phase of him waking up feeling like shit, and no discernible mood change. But it’s not even two full weeks I don’t think. So, fingers crossed!
Wow, in fact it’s been weeks since I posted. What can I say….nothing much has changed except DH has decided to back on to anti-depressants. He hasn’t actually started them yet as he’s had various things on at work and he knows how shit he’s going to feel for a few weeks.
How do I feel? Well, thank you for asking. I have no idea. Stress levels are high here as DH also has to undergo a medical for the DVLA for some reason. He has to renew his licence each year due to being in the Priory but they’ve said he has to have a medical this time. This is causing him to panic as we really don’t know why they’ve asked for this. He filled in the form exactly as he did last year….who knows. But he’s terrified that he’s going to lose his licence.
It’s not exactly relaxing round these parts, that’s for sure.