And no, he didn’t come. He dropped me off. He is so low that you can feel the negative energy coming off him, it’s a physical sensation.
What the hell do you do with a husband who is having suicidal thoughts? He rang the out of hours people who said to speak to his CBT therapist on Monday. But he’ll have to go to GP, who’ll give him pills, refer him to the local mental health team who’ll want to give him more pills and see him in a month.
And so far nothing has helped, apart from him not drinking.
I really don’t know what will help. I worry because what happens if nothing does help? He can’t live like this. I think suicide is a morally reprehensible thing but I can see that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life like this.
The journalist and author Sally Brampton died a few weeks ago, took her own life, she’d been depressed for years and years, and wrote the book Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression. The quote from her that sticks out is this one: ‘Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive.’
I’m not the one with depression, but this quote seems to sum it up. It makes me so sad. I can’t help my husband, I can’t stop him feeling like he wants to die and that is so painful, for me yes of course. But to think that even thoughts of leaving behind his kids and the shitstorm his death would create – not even that can help. That’s how bad he feels. And so although I can’t feel his anguish, I can understand how bad things must be for him to even think about leaving his beloved children.