Nearly a month since my last post. That indicates that we’ve had a reasonably steady month. I don’t feel like it’s all been sweetness and light but maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Dinner out on Saturday, and I have to say DH did very well to hide his anxiety all week. I knew of course that he wasn’t actively looking forward to it but there was no major wobble. Only one instance of ‘What is it we’re meant to be doing on Saturday?’ which is something of a record as usually it’s a week of him ‘forgetting’ what we’re doing, me reminding him and him saying ‘Oh yeah….’
Sunday wasn’t too great at first, but it was my mother in law’s birthday so we had her and my niece over for dinner. The day ended up being very pleasant so perhaps it’s inevitable that DH is rotten today, so much so that I’ve sent him upstairs so I don’t have to see his desolate face and be subjected to his bordering-on-rude behaviour.
The misery comes off him in waves of toxicity, as clearly as if he was giving off a terrible smell. So he and his odour have gone upstairs where I can’t sense it.
It sounds like a small thing but it truly makes a big difference. Sort of ‘out of sight, out of mind’.
Easy for me to forget how he’s feeling. I know he can’t just forget it. So it’s me being selfish. But why should both of us be miserable?
*Disclaimer – I know, I KNOW, that while it’s shit for me, it’s shittier for him.
T’is Mothering Sunday today, and it started so well. DH has been a lot better for the past 48 hours, which is a huge relief, I genuinely thought he was having another breakdown.
And then, as it has a tendency to do round here, it all went downhill. Firstly, he planned a run with the older two, although he did mention in passing that he couldn’t really be arsed. Warning light went on. Then, back from rugby with DS2 and DH has the face. The tight, blank face. He’s monosyllabic. Lethargic. We are on Amber alert.
We’re off to his mum’s for dinner with the kids. He’s anxious. They do argue, as we know. He has a show starting this week, he doesn’t like this one at all and the past two years he’s completely lost his shit and stormed out.
So I do get that he has some anxiety that he is unable to deal with. Still.
And I do get that he isn’t trying to piss me off.
But it’s Mothers’ Day FFS. Can I not get one fricking day without having to worry? No need to answer.
Well, not that last time ever that DH will have a day off work, but today is his last Thursday off. Next week is back to full weeks for the first time in nearly two years.
And guess what we’re doing?!
Yes, that’s correct, basically avoiding each other.
What a joy.