I don’t think I like myself much as a parent (too stressed, too strict, too grumpy) and there’s lots I don’t like in my role as a wife (too stressful, unrewarding, emotionally exhausting).
So if I don’t like those key elements, what do I like? And should I like myself if I don’t like those parts of me?I AM a mother and a wife, those are the things that define me and while I know I am other things, these two things are the biggies.
I love my children. I just don’t know what sort of job I’m doing as a parent. They don’t deserve one bipolar parent and one perennially grumpy, tired and stressed one.
Sometimes I just want to hit him and say ‘SORT IT OUT’. But I don’t. Today is one of those days. We’ve barely seen the light after the jet-lag slump, and already he’s down again.
So I visualise the shouting, and I think it helps (me). I suspect the actual shouting would be more helpful (for me) but less so for him.
Not exactly, but having a jet-lagged bipolar DH is almost worse than being on my own. For if I’m on my own, I don’t have to worry about his mood, or his well-being. I can concentrate on the kids and me and the dog.
I suppose the frustration is that I knew this wouldn’t be easy when he came back from the US. I know that jet-lag makes him worse, and it turns out it’s a definite issue for people with depressive illnesses. So yes, I expect the moods, and the sleeplessness, and the general meh. I just don’t like it. I feel isolated and angry and sad and frustrated. There are a few issues going on with the kids at the moment too, which doesn’t help, and the boiler’s on the blink etc etc and I am a little hormonal. Basically, my life is completely normal and I need and want more support than I get from my husband.
And truthfully, I’m not that supportive and caring about him right now either. It’s very hard not to be resentful and angry with him. This is the perpetual issue for me, and I suspect for anyone living with a depressed partner/spouse/child/sibling. How can you stay positive when you don’t feel it? How can I convince even myself that things will be okay, let alone convince him?
I try to be ‘there’, I try not to be distant and cold and generally unfriendly, I try to be ‘me’ but I really struggle. It’s not the kids’ fault, but inevitably my stress at my DH comes out and directs itself at the kids, so I’m snappier and grumpier (as my daughter will testify).
I’m not perfect when he’s away either, still a bit grumpy. Maybe it IS just me then, maybe grumpy is my natural state of mind….
I’ve been quiet because DH has been in the US for two weeks and therefore I’ve been untroubled by his moods. I have been troubled by the kids, naturally they’ve all been ill, problems at school, etc etc.
So I’m tired, but you know, I’m okay. Despite DH’s massive ‘strops’ before going, he seems to have been okay while in the States. Of course he has. Hopefully he’ll remember that actually it’s not so bad going away, because it’s likely he’ll be going overseas at least once more this year.
I still have his two weeks of jetlag to deal with, and that is always a lot of fun. Nearly always includes a fairly major low. And of course his trips to Florida have twice preceded a breakdown, so it’s not my favourite time of the year.
So my sense of equilibrium is about to be unbalanced…
DH is off to the US tomorrow and granted, he has sinusitis. And granted, he’s stressed. But does he have to be so unfuckingpleasant? Taken himself off to bed for an hour because he feels shit. Bollocks, he doesn’t feel ill. He feels low, miserable, angry and depressed. That might make him feel ill, but it’s also stopping him from spending a few extra hours with his kids before he goes away for two weeks.
(note to self: don’t blog when you’re really pissed off. It makes you sound like a cow)