Thought for today

I have a cold

I feel rubbish.

That is all.

 

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Well it’s been an exciting 24 hours that have seen DH go back on to quetiapine and then come straight back off it again.

NHS psychiatrist prescribed it to him yesterday, he wasn’t keen but took it last night and jeez……he could barely speak this morning and it has sent him off on a huge downer. Emotionally and physically.

Firstly: it made him remember how shit it feels waking up every morning feeling drugged.
Secondly: it physically made him feel shit.
Thirdly: it “destroyed all the positivity” he had, apparently, which includes his new gym membership and fitness and healthy eating plan. Which means that
Fourthly: it’s really pissed him off.

Hurrah!

But being a depressive, he just wouldn’t let it lie. No, no, no. Why just put it down to experience when you can get yourself really really really worked up about it?

So at 8pm he was in bed again. Let’s hope he’s feeling better tomorrow.

In the still of the night…

…I think of amazing things to post on here.

In the light of the day, I can’t remember these pearls of wisdom of course. And sometimes it’s probably for the best, as the middle of the night is not a time for happy thoughts.

But the gist of last night’s thinking is this:
Why the hell am I not in a normal, happy relationship?
The good times do not help make the bad ones that much more bearable.
What is the real him – the misery or the not-so-miserable?

This the fourth significant low since the middle of December. Each one lasts around four days out of seven, maybe more, with at least two really bad days. Ie, if he’s at home, he’ll spend the day in bed. Then surrounding these really bad days are some less than terrible ones. Then there might be a few good days, maybe even a week or so of good-ish days.

In a very unmathematical way, we can conclude that in the five weeks we have had about two weeks’ worth of okay-ness. So for three weeks, he’s been miserable, and I’ve been miserable too. Especially when he’s actually in the house. This is the worst of it as I can’t escape it. I want my home to be a place of refuge but when DH is at home, and miserable, or angry or whatever, my home is a prison of misery.

Not that I’m being dramatic at all of course….but I’ve said it before, I just can’t escape his moods from an emotional sense, and a geographical one. I don’t want to have to go out to be away from him. Why should I? I don’t really trust him to manage the kids properly, he’s STUCK to his phone, reading, watching the news, playing Candy Crush.

And I thought to myself last night – why should I make the effort with him? Why? It’s exhausting and pointless. I get NOTHING out of it. It makes me angry. I tried really hard to ignore him, and that is actually a lot better than trying to talk to him as if nothing’s wrong. And I’m sorry because that is probably not actually very helpful for him but I’m fed up with it being about him.

Off topic

Well, DH is going to join a gym instead of going to therapy. Yes. It’s that simple apparently. I mean, of course it will help, no doubt. But he’ll only go when he feels okay and therein lies the problem.

Although it has to be said that the gym is A LOT cheaper…

I’m clearly worried about something however as my neck/shoulder has been playing up for the first time since DH went in to hospital, and I’m alternating that with raging heartburn. So the ibuprofen I take for my neck are contributing to the heartburn.  I’m melting (said in Wicked Witch of the West voice). I can’t believe that fire doesn’t come out of my mouth when I exhale.

I suspect some of the worry is about our eldest son and his school situation – he’s Year 4 and currently on his 12th and 13th teacher. All his close friends have either left or are about to leave, leaving him with the most disruptive boys, and he’s easily led and we have serious concerns about the effect that the staff changes has had on his education and the ‘learning behaviours’ in class.

We’re considering flexi schooling, which means he’d go to school part-time. School has to agree to it though and our local education authority is clearly not very keen at all.

This could be the start of a whole new blog…