The city that never sleeps

So DH has been in NYC for a week, and on balance it’s been fine. Kids have really missed him, and so have I. Excuse the note of surprise. Usually I’m fricking delighted he’s away as it’s a lot less stressful than having him around. But as things have been a lot better recently, I find myself looking forward to him coming back.

But. And there’s always one of those. His trips overseas have always been triggers for a massive low. The last two breakdowns were triggered by his trips to Florida. Tiredness, jetlag, work stress, missing the family all contributed, and of course he was probably drinking a fair amount back in those days too (he hasn’t been abroad for a few years).

So his return was always hampered by the dread. And I do worry that this will be the same. Is it unavoidable that he’ll hit a low? Tiredness and jetlag make me properly grumpy for a good week. Is it therefore normal to expect to feel quite shit? Should I therefore just say ‘Oh, this is normal’? And not worry too much.

Because the truth is that worrying about something doesn’t change the outcome if you have no control over a situation. You can change your reaction and thus change the longer term consequences. My stress won’t make him NOT go in to a low. If anything, I can make it worse for both of us, and for the kids too.

Incidentally, our youngest has really really missed his dad. I showed him a video of DH dicking around in Manhattan. ‘I wish I could be in that video with Daddy’. He’s counting down the days for all of us.

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Cautious optimism

Well, it’s been a few weeks and things are okay. Good in fact. We went out together – neither of us wanted to dwell too long on when we’d last left the house as a couple, but it’s probably nearly two years.

And admittedly we went for a long walk with the dog and a quick pub lunch, we weren’t exactly sociable, but it was lovely. Fun. I nearly had a wobble when we got to the pub and the car park was absolutely rammed. Whether I was trying to pre-empt DH saying ‘Sod this’ or not, or whether I was setting us up for failure before we even started, I don’t know, but we weren’t put off and instead of just ending up going to Tesco and getting some sandwiches, we actually went in and had lunch.

We briefly discussed the likelihood of a depressive episode occurring, and we both know that it’s hanging over us, but we have to enjoy these good times and make the most of them. I know that when he gets low, I will feel angry, annoyed, disappointed but at least we are actually having better times as a couple.

Amazing. It’s the little things in life like a hilly hike in the country and lunch in a beautiful pub. Little things that are in fact really big things in this case.