Monday Monday

A wet Bank Holiday Monday – what are the chances? And our ‘baby’ turns 5 today. We should feel more celebratory. It’s not even the weather’s fault entirely.

We went to the party yesterday afternoon and it was okay. Kids loved playing in the massive garden. DH seemed okay until we got home and then the black cloud positively crashed down on him – he’s fed up with making an effort, everything’s false etc.

I don’t know why it upsets me so much, I suppose that I thought he might actually enjoy himself and although he looked as if he was, he was clearly making a massive effort to socialise. I suppose the effort takes its toll on everyone – I went to bed before the kids as I was just exhausted, sad, angry, drained. I don’t know if he’s ever going to get past this and I don’t think I want to go out with him because he hates it. And I can’t be bothered to fight any more. We don’t have a social life as a couple anyway and now I really believe that that ship has sailed.

It’s days like this that I can’t foresee a positive future. And that is even more depressing than the rain.

Yet again

There’s a big lunch on today, friends over from NZ and of course DH is in a shit of a mood. Doesn’t want to go.

I’m really upset. Angry and sad. Because this is such a stupid situation and I really don’t understand it. He knows he can manage it. I personally think he just doesn’t like going out and socialising. This has become a ritual. The ‘I really don’t want to go out and talk to friends and stuff and possibly enjoy myself’ ritual.

That’s the crux of it. I think it’s got very little to do with depression and it’s just a fact of his personality. He’s trained himself to dislike going out. This ritual has become habitual. A habitual ritual.

His mum is the same. ‘Oh I’ve been offered a three-week cruise, all expenses paid (I’m exaggerating for the purposes of dramatic effect), but I can’t be bothered with it. I think I’ll stay at home’.

Yet again I just want to scream at him – ‘Snap the fuck out of it you anti social git’.

Yet again I have expectations that for once we can go out without a song and dance.

Yet again I really really wish we weren’t going through this.

Yet again I wonder whether I can be bothered with putting myself through this.

 

Rain rain go away

DH is back at work and the rain looks like it’s here to stay. This is not a metaphor. It is bloody chucking it down. Kids are upstairs sounding as if they are trying to jump through the floor. But I’ve worked it out – only two days this week with nothing much on, then one day next week with nothing on and then it’s school again.

It’s hard being a parent in many ways, of course, but one of the things I struggle with, particularly on nasty wet days like this, is wanting to be with my three, and simultaneously wanting to not be with them.

It’s much the same with my husband unfortunately. I want to spend time with him but very often he’s not really all that great company. And while we might have a nice day once we’re out somewhere, getting there and back is usually fairly arduous. DH has very little patience and not much of a sense of humour at times so journeys in the car can be challenging.

From what I can see, he gets frustrated very easily (with bad drivers for example) and then gets frustrated that he’s frustrated. I wonder if he could accept his initial frustration? But I often find myself muttering darkly to myself, usually something along the lines of ‘Why do we bother coming out?’ or ‘Why do I keep putting myself through this?’.

So he’s back at work and I have time to reflect. He’s been off for two weeks and they’ve been okay. Up and down. Relatively stressful. I wonder if it’s easier with him at work and with 10 days before the kids are back at school, I’m about to find out.

Another massive sigh

So how long has it been since he was this low? Has he even been ‘up’ since then or was he just able to fight it? Is this it? What is the rest of his time off going to be like? Is that a fox barking up and down our road? Do foxes bark? Is it looking for its mother/baby? Where does that owl go when it’s not here? Could I find it if I went outside now?

Questions like that kept me awake last night.

 

We’re all not going on a summer holiday…

But DH does have the next two weeks off. And boy, are neither of us really looking forward to it. The thought that he’s going to be miserable, at home, for two weeks, is enough to make me really really weary.

I want him to enjoy it but today (Saturday, not even really day 1) he was saying things like ‘It’s going to be like this every day isn’t it, wondering what to do’. ‘Yes’ said I. ‘There’s no point in organising anything is there’. Because there isn’t. If he doesn’t feel like doing anything, plans will remain unfulfilled and I will get increasingly irritating.

And if this my next 16 days, then I have no idea what life will be like here.

So, I am planning on taking it a day at a time. Most of my friends are around, sis is back from hols, so if DH is low/miserable/stressed/angry/comatose then I have options. The aim is to do something every day, even if that thing is taking the kids out for a walk.

Aim low.

Back to black

But it’s me this time. I had the hysterectomy to hopefully solve the mystery of my symptoms. Like period pains on steroids. I felt awful for a week. Walking was uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, a day after my check-up, I feel vile. It started with really bad pain in my ovaries (I think) and then today I just feel terrible. Aches in the back and legs. Tired. Horrible. Walking is uncomfortable as is going to the loo.

The histology showed up nothing after the hysterectomy. The only thing that has stopped the problem was an injection (like a javelin the needle was, MASSIVE) that stopped my ovaries working.

So I’m thinking that getting rid of my ovaries is probably the next step. And boy is that a good thought as without your ovaries you immediately go in to menopause. YESSSSSSS! I mean, what’s not to love about that.

I’m pretty pissed off. I really thought that hysterectomy would work, and I know that it may still be fine because it’s only three weeks since the op. Although four weeks since I last got the symptoms which is less positive as that ties in with the hormone cycle.

I’m just imagining the amazing combination of DH’s depression, my menopause and DD’s impending puberty. Doesn’t it sound great?!

PS DH is probably going to stop the group therapy, I think he’s going to end up falling out with one of the other patients/participants/crazy folk.