Summoning up some Christmas spirit

I have to admit that over the years I’ve been very angry with my husband, and more specifically his depression. And I feel that finally I’m getting to the point where maybe I’m not angry any more.

The downside of not being angry is that I’m mostly really sad for him and all this wasted time. Even the last six months have been a waste of time really. I understand that he had to stop drinking because of the way he used alcohol to medicate but even one of the doctors from the hospital said to him only last week that they knew at the time that he wasn’t an alcoholic.

And that makes me even more angry.

Thank fuck for yoga….

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Zombie land

Well they did say he might feel a bit sedated for a few days…..he slept through a family party (admittedly small) on Sunday and very selfishly I thought ‘Great, so now he’s going to a zombie’. But he’s on mood stabilisers (risperidone) – and they are serious drugs for a serious problem, so I suppose you’d expect a fairly serious reaction. (ed’s note – risperidone is used to treat schizophrenia, mania and mood disorders, it’s not a mood stabiliser as such).

This weekend coincided with both sons being ill and me starting a chest infection, so it wasn’t the best start. He’s been signed off work for a month, which is just as well as he’s not really able to function properly at the moment.

Am I pinning my hopes on this? Yes. Because despite what I thought were the low points (two previous breakdowns), I don’t think they were. I mean, they weren’t the turning points I thought they would be. At the time I wondered how things could get worse, but what those low points were, were simply part of the illness. Not a crisis to end all crises, just really bad patches, even if patches seems like the wrong word. Too cosy I think, puts you in mind of a patchwork quilt. And depression is far from a lovely cosy blanket. More like a smothering leaden nightmare.

Anyway, did I mention that I wasn’t feeling well…….

Massive sigh

Manic at the weekend, high as a kite from adrenalin and endorphins after taking part in a game of rugby. And yes, you guessed it, a massive low mid week.

This leads me briefly (sort of) to a little detour about me. I had an operation in October to treat (what was thought to be) endometriosis. But it wasn’t endometriosis so I feel no better. Next step is to stop my ovaries working, and if that stops the pain then the logical step is a hysterectomy because I’ve got adenomyosis and it’s ‘probably’ causing the pain. Now I don’t have any fallopian tubes any more, so I came to terms with ‘no more children’ quite cheerfully actually. A hysterectomy is different though. And with family history of post-HRT cancer, I feel even more weird. Which is my excuse for being tres grumpy.

Not to mention the fact that the injection to stop my ovaries working was bloody agony! the needle was like a drain pipe.

So here’s the point. He’s ill. I’m a bit ill. I have days when I can’t be at all supportive, or understanding, days when I’m in a lot of pain. And naturally they seem to coincide with him feeling crappy.

He wants to move overseas. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before but he has a yen to move to NZ. As if it’s going to miraculously solve our problems to move to the other side of the world where we have four friends in the whole of the country. And no close family (cousins who I don’t really know).

Today I expressed doubt that it was the right thing to do. And I don’t think he would expect me to make a move like that while he’s still so unwell.

But he took the day of work today and really enjoyed being a house husband. I KNOW that work is a huge stress factor for him so should we really actually consider me going back to work and him staying at home? Answers on a postcard please!

I know that it would probably really help though and if it improves our quality of life then maybe we should.

Of course, that does raise the thorny issue of what i want to do when I grow up…

PS to top it all off it was the school Christmas fair today and I’m the organiser. Awesome.

Why won’t it leave us alone?

DH was informed by a member of the community mental health team that his feelings of depression (no other way to describe it) have been triggered by the fallout of living as a sober alcoholic. So it’s more therapy hopefully. But I just cannot shake the feeling that it isn’t just fallout. I think he’s still depressed, and so does he. What can you do though when people just don’t seem to agree.

There are so many walls up – first it was his drinking that caused the bipolar and now it’s his NOT drinking that’s doing the same.

So how about this? He has depression. Can we now deal with it? Why does the health service just keep putting treatment off. It’s destroying him.

We both feel powerless and it seems ridiculous that someone who was SECTIONED earlier this year and in a psychiatric hospital for five weeks is still not really been dealt with. We accept that going from NHS to private (health insurance) back to NHS hasn’t helped but it really does seem that no-one wants to really DO anything.