Ahem, sorry I’m late

Well….yes. I’m back. I haven’t posted because things have been, on balance, okay. A fairly major blip in November following an overseas trip (him, not me). Jet lag messes with your mind and body and if you are bipolar, it’s a lot worse. As witnessed here at  purplepersuasion.wordpress.com.

Then the annual visit to Florida for work (again, him not me). This trip has been the trigger for three breakdowns over the years, the main one resulting in five weeks in hospital.

Here’s how it goes. The run-up to going away is stressful for him (huge pressure to sell) and stressful for me (anticipating looking after the kids on my own for two weeks). Then the trip, stressful all round for the same reasons. Then the return and at LEAST two weeks of jet lag and a gradual slump.

DH has taken the last two days off work as he feels so shitty and last night I just lost my shit. He accused me of being a pessimist and looking for the bad times to happen and I countered with my defence. That I am probably the most optimistic person I know, otherwise I’d have been out of there a long long time ago.

I won’t go in to all the dull details. Suffice to say that it was a reminder that while the bipolar has eased away, it’s never too far in the distance.

 

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It’s been a loooong time coming

Well I haven’t posted since July and so much has happened. Not really, but actually ‘not a lot happening’ is generally a good thing in our situation.

The holiday happened and it was good. The pills finally kicked in the week before we went away, better late than never I suppose but it was a painful wait.

I’m working more, freelancing, not exactly bringing in the big money still but it all helps I suppose.

Our daughter has started secondary school which is a pretty huge thing. Makes me feel very old. She’s handling it well, as she does most things, but she’s so grown up in so many ways and yet still a little girl in others. But she’s even more aware of the world around her and DH and I are conscious that she will pick up on more and more regarding his moods and illness.

DH has had a few ups and downs but really nothing too long lasting. Nevertheless, they are still really unpleasant for all of us when they do hit him.

In summary, I suppose it’s another case of ‘no news is good news’!

 

Waiting game

DH is not great, not sure if the Citalopram is just taking ages to kick in or if he’s feeling side effects but he’s been in bed most of the weekend. He did however make it to a friend’s 40th last night. Yes. It’s true.

What’s also true is that I would have enjoyed myself more without him. The irony isn’t lost on me. But he was so clearly almost in physical pain that it took all the joy out for both of us. I’m at the stage of not really engaging with him as it’s pointless.

He’s due at docs on Tuesday. I really hope things get better as we’re going away in two weeks. I really really really don’t want to go if he’s like he is now. He’s also off work this week and I can’t say that’s filling me with delight either.

It can’t be right that I feel like this about spending time with my own husband. And he is not getting much out of being with us right now either.

 

Have I been a good friend?

So, I’m married to my husband, of course. And I think as a wife I’ve been pretty good. Kids are fed, house is not a bombsite, dog is walked, clothes are washed. The basics are covered. Add to that the kids are well-loved and cared for, meals are relatively wholesome and delicious (IMO).

But I do wonder how good a friend I am to DH. This blog currently doing the rounds on FB as part of the Time to Change campaign and it’s about how your friends deal with your mental illness. DH is lucky, his friends have stuck by while DH has been, frankly, a shit friend. Cancelling plans, not turning up to stuff, not replying to texts. And yet people haven’t given up. Maybe they don’t text him or ring him as much any more but that’s probably as much down to our lives with kids and jobs etc.

However, how good have I been? I’ve been relatively patient but there have been many times that I have stuck around because, well, because of the kids and my desire to keep our little family intact. In spite of what DH’s depression is doing to me and to us as a couple.

Yes, it’s been down to loyalty but there’s an element of laziness, of unwillingness to face the thought of a break up and split up the family.

Have I listened enough? Probably not, even though DH doesn’t really talk about how he feels. There are times when I wonder how much I even care how he feels because of the impact on me and the kids.

I am still here though. And I think that has to be enough for now.

It’s been a long time coming

Wow, in fact it’s been weeks since I posted. What can I say….nothing much has changed except DH has decided to back on to anti-depressants. He hasn’t actually started them yet as he’s had various things on at work and he knows how shit he’s going to feel for a few weeks.

How do I feel? Well, thank you for asking. I have no idea. Stress levels are high here as DH also has to undergo a medical for the DVLA for some reason. He has to renew his licence each year due to being in the Priory but they’ve said he has to have a medical this time. This is causing him to panic as we really don’t know why they’ve asked for this. He filled in the form exactly as he did last year….who knows. But he’s terrified that he’s going to lose his licence.

It’s not exactly relaxing round these parts, that’s for sure.